I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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