I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Found the puke drawer
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize