I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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