No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize