As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
