I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
