After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
