Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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