I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
