Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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