Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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