i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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