I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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