i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
