So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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