I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
