In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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