As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
