i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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