Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize