i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
