I heard we made out
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
