My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
