You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In other news, I just burned my penis
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize