I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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