my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
