he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
