Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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