New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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