When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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