Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
