i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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