Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
