Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize