Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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