just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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