Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
