If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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