WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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