You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
