My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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