R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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