Ketchup is God's man juice
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize