I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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