Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
