So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
