If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm having to shit out rocks
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
