sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
