Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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