I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
