the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
