Will you blow on my dice?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just gargled with NyQuil
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
