I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
