Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My dick has a subreddit
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
