My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
