if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
