a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
