I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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