I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
