your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize