is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
