i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
