As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
